Someday...

I've been told that I have so much love to give. So much so that I'm never satisfied until I've given as much as I can.

What a joke.

Love is something to be given but there should also be someone to whom it can be given. I for one, have no one

I, however, have

• a father whom I rarely see
• a mother and a pseudo-mother, neither of whom has accepted me yet for who I am NOW (not in the past or in the future, but now)
• siblings who take me for granted
• a family pet that takes notice of me only because she enjoys hanging out in my room
• good, old friends with whom I've nearly lost all contact, and
• good, new friends on a lease, none of whom I will be able to keep forever.

Once, I thought I've found that one passion I could give my all to. That one person to whom I could give all my unappropriated love. I guess that's what you could call a bad investment.

Is my love really a curse? Is it really too much to handle? I'm so tired of being left alone and always having to let go. I'm tired of holding others at arms length. I want to open up my heart to anyone who wants to come in, but I'm afraid of hurting anymore. I've gone on hurting for much too long. Much. Too. Long. I don't think I'll be able to take it if I lose another important person in my life. I'd rather be the one leaving everyone else behind.

One friend of mine has predicted that I will have two great loves in my life. I think I've already had, and lost, that first one. If that is any indication of how miserable my second great love is going to end up, I don't think I'd want to experience it anymore.

When I learn to love agin, I'd rather do it without that person ever knowing. I'll wish for all the best for him, I'll hope for his happiness and safety, and I'll take care of him as much as a person of my status and disposition at that time can. But I won't let him know I love him. I won't be anyone's burden anymore. I will love, I will live, and I will love at a distance.

Someday, I will learn to love once more. But right now I can't trust my heart. Someday, I will fade away. I will fade away, with no feeling of loss, and nobody feeling any loss.

Someday, I will fade away, with no regrets, if only I won't be alone.