The Important Things

I'm feeling down. And as much as people might think this is again because of my failure of a first relationship, it's not.

Frankly, there are quite a number of things I find to be more important than my broken heart. None of which I could bear to talk about.

Clues? In order of most pressing grievance: Family, Academics, Self-esteem, Money.

Yep, it's all there.

And I'm really in no mood to listen to advice right now, or to have anyone look at me with pity or say they feel sorry for me. I just want to lean on somebody. I don't even want to cry.

Right now, I'm venting my anger in so many ways. I've swam for nearly three hours, jogged one round at our Grandstand and went back and forth our house four times, and scolded my little cousin so many times in one day. My patience is about to snap and I'm not getting any work done. To top it all off, I'm sleepless yet again.

At least, I'm eating. In fact, I think I've eaten so many of those cheap bakery donuts that I've gotten closer to having diabetes.

I know what I'm doing is probably bordering on self-destructiveness, if I had no driver or siblings or yaya around me to keep it in check. But I can't help it. I'm so frustrated that I can't do anything to help this certain person who's close to my heart. I'm so afraid that he's going to have a relapse. I don't want to see him suffer again. I've taken so much damage for my short 18 years, I don't want to see him go through it too. I want to take upon me whatever suffering he's gone through and may go through again someday, but I can't. I feel so helpless.

This is not how I usually do things. I am not weak. I am willful, I am determined, I can do nearly everything I want if I just set my heart to it. But right now, I'm incapacitated. No matter how much I want something, I can't do it. If only I could, but I can't. All I could do right now is pray and hope that he will be okay.

For that special person, who for the last 8 years has given me a purpose, I love you.

If I could take upon me all your sorrows and pain, I would.
If I could keep from you all the dangers of the world, I would.
If I could keep you safe and make you smile, I would.
If I could be your all, If I could give you all, I would.