nakapag-confirm na ko sa up!!!

Depression
~yet another useless monologue~

What is this word that many use so loosely? Do they really understand it? Do they even know it? Do they even care?
You feel sad, maybe troubled, maybe frustrated – you say you’re depressed. You broadcast it to the whole world and ask people for solutions. Is that what you think it is? Do you really think you’re depressed?
No, you’re not.
Have you ever snuck into an empty room, as empty as you feel, and cried your heart out for no discernible reason?
Have you hurt yourself in places nobody else could see? Maybe banged yourself up bad on a few occasions, managing to hide whatever marks you had left – the torn skin, the bruises, the bumps and the scars.
Have you found pain enjoyable, if only to provide momentary pause to your misery?
Have you ever locked yourself in the bathroom, or anywhere else where no one can hear you, screaming in your anguish, and sitting there for hours with the water running, pounding your fists and your head on the wall, slamming your body against it, pulling at your hair, feeling lost and confused – and that throbbing you feel still can’t conceal the burning marks from the shrapnel that hit you from your internal battle?
Do you feel alone, even in a group? Do you choose to stay alone because you feel that it’s the only way you won’t be troubling anyone else with your dilemma, because they won’t understand anyway, and you’re not sure if they would even try.
Would you rather sit in your own little corner and be ignored by everyone who, if you were only up to the challenge, you would want nothing more than to please? Would you rather write random words, whatever that comes into your head, making incomprehensible sentences, and just tearing up the paper afterwards? Or do you write for the sake of writing, not caring if others read your thoughts, because you know that no one will be able to comprehend anyway.
Do you suffer in isolation BECAUSE of your isolation, and shrink at the thought of a crowd? Do you keep company, hoping for that warmth you so long sought after, but in the end just being thankful when they leave you alone… and later on regretting what you’ve earlier wished for? And perhaps this is not an eternal combat in which you rage, but something that comes and goes as it pleases – and when it goes, it leaves you its ghost, scaring you out of your wits, and promising its return.
Do you cower in fear of people knowing your true state? Do you tremble at the thought that someone will find out what keeps you up at night – what, you still can’t figure out. Do you hide behind a mask, behind a moat of lies, bubbling with deceit, do you wrap your soul in many layers, and surround yourself with a wall so thick, and guard yourself with so many clever traps and loopholes, that you form for yourself an impenetrable shield – but you’re not so sure if you want a shield.
Do you find peace only in the dead of the night, when you can stay up, all alone, with no one else around to bother you, letting your tears fall – because you need to let them fall – praying desperately to whoever is out there, to whoever may be listening, to change things, to wake you up from this horrible nightmare, to save you – to save you now! – To take you away…
Do you have mood swings - those wretched tremors in your system? Do you feel the emotions - that fire running through you, in your blood – passing through your veins, your lungs, your heart, taking over all of you – conquering you, when all you want is to be free from all those tyrannies that you have to endure, knowing that this power that your passions - these foolish sensation, these dreams and wishes – have over you is in fact yet another dictatorship! Do you feel the need to express yourself, but never finding the RIGHT words?
Do you feel alone, despite our massive population, despite the millions of people milling about around you? Do you find the seclusion echoing in that bare space it has left within you, somewhere within you, yet to be discovered? Do you feel cold and shattered – as if you were broken? As if there is something wrong with you. Maybe there is… Can you relate to my questions?
Do you?
If you do, come to me… I need to know you… Please, I need to…
Are you out there? Are you like me too?

CONFESSIONS ON LIVING A LIE

One thing that often gets on my nerves is how people respond to the question “why do you study?’ especially how you could easily classify majority of these people into three groups according to the answers they give.
These are the Dreamers, the Oppressed, and the Martyrs. The Dreamers are those who emphasize the need of a good job and their hopes for a better tomorrow. The oppressed are those who feel that they need to study because their life depended on it, or simply because their parents made them study. Then there are the martyrs, who find it their duty so they could someday repay their debts to society, to family, and to God.
Really, have you ever heard of any lamer excuse for living?
Yes, life. For the fundamental stages of a person’s life, studying occurs in school, and if my comrades in this epic battle against terror teachers and mountains of requirements have only the aforementioned motivation for staying in school, then it is really a mystery to me why they still haven’t all dropped out.
Yes, I admit. I too was a dreamer, an oppressed, a martyr. Looking back to what I have done with my school life, I wonder if maybe I’m just weak, because you know what? I gave up.
For nine months, I stopped studying. Yes, I still went to school, and sometimes to class. I copied notes and shared what I understood with those who needed it. But my “studying” stopped there. I left test questions blank for lack of interest, and failed to submit my requirements because I no longer really cared. I skipped class, slept in class, daydreamed in class or didn’t go to school for days. The only things I ever worked for were group projects, burdened by the thought of dragging other people down.
Do you wonder what I did with all my newly found free time?
On my own, I lived. I lied down on the benches and stared up at the dusty sky, under the shade of the mango tree ridden with higads. I sat in the gazebo watching everything that’s happening around me, seeing a teacher trip or friends moving into a group hug. I walked around the school grounds and took in all the sights, smells and sounds – even the not so pleasant ones.
Whenever I had company, I lived. We would joke around, ask questions, talk. We would laugh, reminisce, and cry. We learned things we would never have found out listening to 1-hout lectures in our classrooms, and these are the lessons we cherished. It was because of these talks I got to know myself.
It was then I realized my mistake. The reason for my apathy is not of any medical nature, nor is it any form of delinquency; I just didn’t have any reason to study!
Thirteen years of school, since the dawn of my youth. Being a Scientian, I was obviously a bright child. I entered school without hardly knowing how to speak in full English sentences, and ignorant of the Filipino language. Thirteen years, I struggled with my natural laziness to keep my grades up.
Why? This I would confess in paper only once. Growing up, with the idea of being “the making and unmaking of the family”, is difficult. There is and always will be an image to maintain, a standard to set, a responsibility to fulfill. There will always be expectations, and nothing you do will ever seem to be enough, for each success will set more goals, and each failure will seem to garner more disappointment.
It was a tragic system that made one feel like a dog, having to go through the entire reward-and-punishment system. Each success would be awarded with a momentary breather, and every failure would tighten the hypothetical grip around one’s neck.
I studied to make my parents proud. I tried everything to make them proud; I tried to do everything I can, because I knew I can. Yet, with all the intelligence I have been gifted with, I failed to see that what I was doing was wrong.
For nine months, I dwelled in the shadows of failure and apathy; I swam in the waters of disappointment; I walked in the valleys of mediocrity. I took a break, shut out the world, and went on an internal journey, and re-emerged into reality a new being.
Why does this new person study? It’s simple, because she wants to learn. Because she is willing to spend five more years of her life trying to discover herself, to travel through the streets of conventional and unconventional education, in order to discover life.
This person wants to know life – how to stay happy, and make others happy; how to love selflessly and be loved back; how to remain in control of the things that need to be controlled, and how to surrender to the things that were meant to be; to live, love and die.
School, with all its nonsense subjects and requirements, is utterly pointless and useless, and a definite waste of time. It rarely teaches us anything we can use in real life. But the different people we meet along the way, along with our triumphs and letdowns, are the things we must truly study.
We study life because we wish to live. The moment we give up studying – the real studying – is the moment we die. We may live, but we are dead nonetheless.

so listen up

the sun hasn't set

i refuse to believe that it's only me who feels it

my blog is once again up and running.. finally with a new template.. thanks to paulo for reminding me that this blog still exists and for not hating me for also using meebo.. not that he already knows. :p
it's already 3am, and i've been up since 1.30, desperately trying to open the UP Computerized Registration System Website. Today is the first day of confirmation of the decision to enroll, and really, if they include online confirmation in their options, they SHOULD at least give out information on what time we should start confirming, coz really, if you put up a site and don't mention a time, die-hard incoming college freshmen such as myself would wake up at ungodly hours and DESPERATELY try to open the site, which is still not available at this time!!!
geez..
meanwhile, i'm just trying to write.i have three more essays due in creative writing yesterday. once again, i am totally cramming...
hay..

some things happened this week.. some things that inspired me to write these whatever stuff.. thought i'd share it to the world.. just in case you're wondering, some of these are directed to friends of mine, though they may not know it.. that's the reason why this blog's been made anyway, to chronicle my life and the lives of those who matter to me.. yes, i admit this blog has in fact been stagnating for so long, but i'm back, and so are my words.

change - the rally against rallies
i never thought of myself as a leader, but i do know that i can make a difference. maybe it won't change a lot of lives, maybe at most a few. but i know i can help. if my means are different than everyone else's, well, i don't care. at least i tried to change the world my own way, than just jumped into the bandwagon of old ideas and methods that have proven their misworth time and again, and have just made things worse than before. i do not dream of a perfect world, but something a bit better than what we have now is very much needed. just a little more fairness, just a hint of justice, just a bit of open-mindedness and a tiny pinch of love. who knows? maybe someday, someone far more superior than me, smarter, wiser, who has the makings of a leader, would make use of the little things i've done to make the world a better place. then i would've succeeded far more than those who went in great numbers and just proved detrimental to society. then i'd have proven that i was right, then i would have made a difference.

depression part 1
hindi ko alam, hindi ko maintindihan. bakit ba ako nagagalit? bakit ba napakasama ng loob ko? ang pagpatak ng luha ko'y walang maiturong dahilan! ano ba ang problema? hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam! Diyos ko, nalilito na ako! para akong paru-parong lumilipad sa gabing walang buwan, walang kulisap, at natutulog na ang lahat ng mga mamamayan. ano ba itong sakit na dinaranas? o sana'y bigyang lunas ang aking sakit, bigyan ako ng kasagutan! tulong, tulong... nais ko nang makaalpas mula sa pagkakasadlak sa piitan ng lihim! dali! aking hininga'y naghihikahos, habang apoy ng pag-asa'y unti-untinh nauupos... pagod na pagod na ako't hindi na makagalaw, dahan-dahan nang namamatay...

my lost causes
what is it that lurks in the depths of your hearts? for years i have known you and stayed by your side. if you can't see me, maybe i was just busy with my own life, but i've always come back for you, haven't i? or were you too distracted to notice? i've always been waiting for you to turn to me, to let me in, to let me help. if there were times i seemed tired of it, maybe it's because you don't notice my efforts. but i am here, and still am. i hope you know. why did you have to do this to yourself? i don't know what to do with you people anymore...

grace
how do you comfort someone who's lost a child, not once, but twice?
amidst the warmth of the sun and the chill of the wind, someone shivers in the corner, trying to cry out all the pain, mumbling words of comfort to herself, but never listening..
'tis a dark, gloomy day in the hearts of this land, how can i of such insignificance bring light to those who suffer? i am nothing, and their ache is great..
i don't know what to do..