Sometimes I wonder how in the world I got this far. Finally a college student, I thought that, at last, I'd be a responsible, mature young lady. So far, I've only succeeded in being young.
It's been two weeks since I officially became one of those most revered "Iskolar[s] ng Bayan" - not including the summer I spent taking up ROTC and continuing on with our OJT. By now, I should have been well-adapted to college life, but apparently, I'm still not.
It's the usual insecurities, I guess. No, I'm not worried about fitting in, I've already found my place in the vast expanse of University way before I was officially enrolled. I came to UP without even being afraid to make new friends, and in fact was very confident that I'd be able to have someone to talk to wherever I may be (due to being a CO, and having gone to several schools in my pre-college education). I didn't even feel the culture shock I'm supposed to be feeling right now. It's as if I'm just staying in a warped environment filled with Xientians, Knollers and people from my other not-so-known previous school.
Okay, fine. Maybe I am a bit frustrated with how almost all of my blockmates are conio or chinito or perky party people. But being used to not caring and being utterly approachable, at times to my disadvantage, the presence of these people and my daily interaction with them do not necessarily affect my life, and neither do I affect them significantly - which by the way, is absolutely fine by me.
I'm afraid, yes, not of the new things I'll have to experience, but the things I'll leave behind. The people. I've never been good with these kinds of things. Moving on and getting on with my life. There's always a sad ghost by my side of the friends who slowly drifted away from me, and I can't help but blame myself.
At least I have him to hold on to, but what about the others? I miss the old times so much, cutting class and hanging out with the Junior Kelloggs or The Ten or 3B or the Laudrichites, laughing away our worries and fears, as if there was no N (where N=no. of tests, projects and requirements for the next day). Those little moments of heaven that I get to spend with the very few people to whom I know I matter, and to whom I want to matter - the reasons for my existence.
Yes, it's time to move on, but I can't just let go, though I feel them slipping from my fingers, it doesn't make me want to keep them any bit less...
